Protecting Our Safe Haven From Stress

Have you ever noticed how we are pure experts at showing our absolute best and kindest smiles to our boss, the annoying neighbor, or the bank teller, but we come home and growl just because a glass was left on the table? It is a deeply sad irony of married life: we very often save our absolute worst version and our harshest tone of voice for the person we love the most in the entire world.

This happens because of a mechanism psychologists call 'anger displacement'. When we face relentless external pressures, such as a severe financial crisis, a highly toxic relative who talks too much, or workplace gossip that literally steals our sleep, our brain gets completely overwhelmed. Seeking a place to desperately vent all that built-up pressure, we instinctively toss the live grenade into the safest place we know: our spouse.

It simply feels lightyears safer to yell at your husband for leaving a damp towel on the bed than to yell at the scary boss who just threatened a payroll cut. We know our spouse is not going to fire us (well, at least we really hope not), so, without even realizing our deep injustice, we end up turning our biggest daily ally into a convenient emotional punching bag.