Justification: The End of the Ego War

Let's start with a bit of pastoral humor about the 'ego war' because we all need it. We all know that classic argument about who left the wet towel on the bed or who forgot to pay the internet bill, which somehow ends up turning into an international criminal trial. We put on our best invisible defense attorney robes and do not rest until we prove that we are 'the good guys' and our spouse is the sole cause of all the misery in the home.

The author Timothy Keller used to say that our ego is like an empty stomach: it is always rumbling, desperately demanding that we feed it by being right. It is horribly difficult for us to admit a mistake and simply say 'I was wrong', because deep down we feel that if we lose the argument, we are losing our personal worth. We feel that if we let our guard down, we will be crushed and humiliated by the other person.

When we live constantly on the defensive, we build a concrete wall in our marriage. Your spouse complains, with good reason, that you are not paying attention when they speak because you are looking at your phone, and immediately you pull out your defensive arsenal: 'But I work all day long, I have the right to relax too!'. Instead of listening to the other person's pain, our first instinct is always to protect our fragile pride.