Deactivating the Fixer Syndrome

Imagine coming home with a deep wound on your arm, bleeding and in terrible pain. Instead of hugging you or carefully bandaging it, your spouse pulls out a whiteboard and starts mathematically explaining why you got cut and three logical ways to avoid it in the future. It sounds absurd, right? But that is exactly what we do emotionally when we suffer from the famous 'fixer syndrome'.

This syndrome attacks when we see our partner sad, frustrated, or crying, and our first instinctive reaction is to pull out the logical toolbox. Especially (though not exclusively) men have a built-in chip that screams: 'There is a problem, I must fix it right now!'. If she is crying over a conflict at work, we give her a five-step action plan to quit or confront her boss.

The problem is that grief and emotional pain are not math problems to be solved with a formula; they are deep wounds that need air and time to heal. When we say well-intentioned but insensitive things like 'don't cry, everything will be fine', 'cheer up, it could be worse', or 'at least you have your health', we are not comforting. We are actually slamming the door to their heart shut.