Character Assassination

Imagine your words are like a hammer. You can use it to hang a beautiful family portrait in your living room, or you can use it to smash the windows of your house. In marriage, we decide how to use our hammer every single day. Sadly, sometimes in the midst of frustration over simple things like unwashed dishes or lost keys, we choose to shatter the windows of our spouse's heart.

Psychologist and marriage expert John Gottman warns us about one of the most lethal relationship killers: criticism. There is a massive difference between complaining about an action and criticizing someone's identity. A valid complaint sounds like this: 'Honey, the trash was left in the kitchen last night and it smells bad.' That attacks the problem.

But criticism goes straight for the jugular. Instead of talking about the trash, we say: 'You are so lazy and irresponsible; you never do anything right!'. Do you see the difference? By doing this, we are no longer trying to solve a domestic issue; we have pulled out a sniper rifle to commit character assassination.