Anatomy Of A Genuine Confession

Imagine going to the doctor with a deep wound, and instead of carefully cleaning and stitching it up, he slaps on a dirty band-aid and says, 'Well, it is not that big of a deal, get over it.' That is exactly what we do in our marriage when we offer half-hearted apologies. We approach with our wounded pride and hand over cheap apologies that, instead of healing the wound in the other person's heart, end up infecting it much more.

The anatomy of a genuine confession starts by surgically removing the most destructive word from our marital vocabulary: the infamous 'but'. When you say, 'Honey, I am sorry I yelled at you, but you made me lose my patience first,' you have just completely nullified the apology. That 'but' is like a giant eraser that wipes away any trace of repentance and suddenly shifts the blame for your own reaction onto your spouse.

Another tricky tactic we use a lot, almost without realizing it, is the passive-aggressive apology. It sounds very polite, but it is pure poison: 'I am so sorry you felt bad about what I said.' Do you see the trap there? You are not taking responsibility for your hurtful words; you are simply regretting that your spouse is 'too sensitive'. It is a way of washing your hands and leaving the other person carrying all the blame for their emotional reaction.